My oldest child turned fourteen this weekend. We spent the day in the woods. Camping. Amazing. I'm proud of that young woman. She is a joy. I like to hear her laugh. I hope the beauty of the views, the smell of the air, the total experience of this trip into Shenandoah National Park will be used by God to imprint eternity in us all.

I believe it is true. I believe that this Kingdom that God is building is near, inside, all around us. I catch a glimpse, a hint...and it is gone. I hunger for more. And here's where the dilemma appears--here is where it begins to fall apart: I become angry when I miss it, when something distracts from it. It's like smelling delicious food in the air and the wind changes direction and it's gone.

The sensation, the feelings-these are not the measuring rod or the markers. The 'down payment' is the Spirit.

We listened to "Prince Caspian" read by Lynne Redgrave on our drive to the Blue Ridge and back. Amazing. I already fear that Andrew Adamson and WETA will not do this story justice...won't be able to. There'll be a tension and a good story, but the depth, I think will be hard to capture. So, I'm setting my expectations very low.

No one that I've read in my limited browsings captures this idea of the Kingdom come and coming, the idea of redemption and heaven quite like C.S. Lewis, for me at least. He's accessible in that way. I read "The Last Battle" and the doctrinal claim that this life is merely the beginning makes some sense.

Is God THAT good? Is the Gospel that true? That here I sit, musing, thinking my little thoughts, and somehow God is working His perfect will, gonna bring it all together, gonna make it all work out? That in spite of my fears, weakness, pride, vanity, cowardice, hypocrisy, pride, fear, guilt, fear, and fear, something good is gonna come of it? That would be something! I can't wait to see it, but even more, I want to live like it is true. I want to live like it is true. I want to live like it is true.

So what does that look like?

How does it work?

How can I be sure I'm right and don't screw it up?

Hah! Much like the change in the wind that takes away the enticing scent, so do opaque 'things' blot out the vision and hope. Constant warring on this front, and the pendulum of emotion swings from deliriously deep and hopeful joy to morose despair. A yawning 'chasm' of doubt, hopelessness, fear, and doubt, and hopelessness. And the station broadcasting the voice of the Accuser comes in loud and clear. HD. Satellite. No static at all (no static at all)....F. M...

Luther. Galatians commentary. "Grace & Peace". Grace is the answer to SIN; peace is God's answer to a noisy conscience.

Watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". This is an amazing film with a lot to say. Well-filmed with a sort of sci-fi feel, kind of Orwellian. Beautifully tragic. And one of my all-time favorite songs, "Everybody's Got To Learn Sometime" was just perfect. Originally done by the Korgis with a cool sitar part, now covered by Beck, also pretty cool. I recall waking up to this song in the cold of a dark winter morning, not wanting to go to school, snuggled under the covers and just wallowing in the achingly beautiful tune, and the ambiguous lyrics. Oh yeah, you can say just about anything if you're ambiguous. I realize I gravitate to that sort of thing. Ambiguousilosophy.

I'd like to say more about this film, but I need to figure out what I should say first.

Today I bought the Little Girls some cleats and shin guards. And a couple of soccer balls. They're supposed to bring a ball to practice. We had a few nice ones. Then the dog got hold of
'em. They came home and rushed out to do some drills, and kick the balls around. It was great to see them do that.

Reminds me of last week. Philip beat me in one-on-one basketball. It was great. Of course I still have bruises from the hacks, but we won't let that deter from what is clearly the beginning of the end for me. Weak, fearful, guilty, fearful, guilty, weak AND AGING...Next I'll go down in arm wrestling, and then what?!