On The First Day...

Immediately, pressure. Pressure to be exact, to say what I mean, mean what I say. Words mean so much, and to be imprecise means heading down a path that was never intended. Even now, the desire to create something beautiful, meaningful, deep causes alarms to ring-alarms of caution, self-protection, shyness...

I recall a quote from a film about the author Beatrix Potter in which she considers the journey upon which her writing takes her, and the uncertain destination to which it leads. That is fascinating! If I begin this journey where might I end up? The thought is appealing, and a bit frightening. Why? Because I must confront this fact: My conscience is noisy. My mind is full. My thoughts are harried. To write, think, engage, compose, dream...these things have become strangers to me.

Life is beautiful, fearful; beautiful, uncertain; beautiful, terrifying. "Engage! Engage!" the Spirit cries. "Run, Run!" cries the flesh...

Why "Markside Pusings"? "Riddiculus," I say! And it is ridiculous, a way to chuckle at exposure, to make safe things that are not safe. My beloved's blog is close in name to this, as I am close to her. One, but not the same. She is beauty, order, wildness, strength, all shelter. I am not. Except, perhaps wildness of another sort. It is an ode to her, and yet an acknowledgement that I am but a dim reflection of what is good and right, and perhaps the shadow of a longing to reflect goodness, rightness, God's kingdom...

That is why I'm alive, I suppose, to learn of this strange kingdom, this strange economy, this righteousness that is...alien. What does it mean? How does it play out? How should I live? Do I call? Fold? Or, even more frightening, do I raise and stay in? Yes, I believe I do! And what does that look like?

Today I think of barbecued turkey, hot North Carolina air, the caress of my 98 year-old grandmother as she speaks of her husband's death almost 50 years ago, of Finlandia vodka, of whether a 650 cc v-twin has 'enough power'...

And I think of wanting to have my joy found in this: That God saves sinners, failures, cowards and hypocrites. Of which I am the chief! And not just that, but that God is, and not just that, but that God calls me into his presence, that he knows me and that he will not suffer a rival for my affections, though I strive to find many...